Wendybird Chronicles
by the milliner's rook
Summary: She wonders if they ever had a chance. If they might have missed it, somehow.
1. day one, age eleven

Written for HitsuKarin Week 2019. Credit goes to tayloswrft for the image cover.

* * *

WENDYBIRD CHRONICLES

**I. SNOW DAY**

* * *

Eleven, and Karin thinks that she has a crush.

It's silly, but there's something about seeing Toushirou against the backdrop of snow laden hills that takes her breath away.

(Maybe it's the scarf that brings out the blue in his eyes.)

"You're the one who wanted this snowball fight, Kurosaki," Toushirou drawls, another snowball already in his hand. "I thought you said you were a snowball expert?"

"I am not the one with the home turf advantage," Karin mutters, heat flaring in her cheeks despite the bite of the cold wind.

"This is _my_ home turf?" Toushirou arches his eyebrow, unimpressed. "Karakura Town? Really?"

"Shut up," Karin flushes, because that's not what she meant — she just got the words mixed up, and now she has to explain herself. _Cripes. _"I mean. You've got your… ice thing."

"Good one, Karin," Toushirou says, condescendingly, and Karin rolls her eyes at him. "My ice thing."

"Yeah, your ice thing," Karin crosses her arms, refusing to be cowed as she continues. "And your… jump thing."

"What this?" Toushirou asks, vanishing in an instant, and landing _yet another_ hit on her, and then reappears a second later in a completely different direction. "_That_ jump thing?"

"Unfair! That is _cheating_, you brat!" Karin hollers, wincing as some snow slips past her jacket and slides down her back and she is powerless to stop it. "Cheating!"

This was supposed to be a fair fight, _dammit_, in reality, it's anything but.

"Yes, _that_ jump thing!" Karin huffs, indignant, after she's shaken the last of that snow out of her clothes. Her temper reignites full force because he's smirking at her and nobody smirks at her like that and gets away with it. Arms akimbo, she glares at him. "How am I even supposed to have a _chance_ at winning if I can't do that?"

He opens his mouth and closes it.

"You may have a point," Toushirou concedes, tilting his head to the side. "Alright. No _shunpo._"

"Alright then," Karin says, scooping some snow up and crafting a decently shaped ball. "Let's try this again!"

And lobs it at his head.

She misses, but only barely, and it starts to feel like they're finally playing on an even level now.

It's different to before, Karin thinks, as she dodges and weaves and tries to suss out the difference between their snowball fight in winter to the soccer matches they had in summer, and why her perception of him has changed.

He's… happier, somehow. More comfortable in a way that he wasn't before. Maybe it's because they stayed in touch, with her impulsively sending a text after insisting that they should exchange numbers and him replying tentatively after a couple of days. They've gotten closer since then, she supposes, even though she still likes to send him memes that probably mean nothing to him, but he'll reply quicker and he'll try and do his own variation of memes, which Karin is almost completely certain that Matsumoto helps out with. Not that he'd ever admit it if she asked.

Somewhere along the way, she began to look forward to his texts, daydreaming what she should send him next.

_Do shinigami even know how to have snowball fights?_ Karin had asked when she'd seen snow beginning to fall outside her window, and grinned to herself when he'd replied _of course they do_ and that they should meet up soon and have a snowball fight.

She'd been happy to see him again, of course, but she didn't expect her heart to flutter when he'd arrived and smiled at her.

(Again, though, maybe it's just the scarf that sits pretty around his neck.)

A snowball grazes her ear.

"Holy _crap!"_ Karin shrieks, and flails, trying to get her ear warm again.

"You're distracted," Toushirou points out, and furrows his brow, trying to suss her out.

"Am not," Karin shoots back, and successfully lands a hit on him. "I've just been biding my time."

"That so?" Toushirou asks, silkily, and there's something about his grin that sharpens into savagery, Karin thinks, watching him. "I wonder. Might just be luck."

"You take that _back!_"

It doesn't matter if it takes ten-fifteen minutes to prove him wrong, she gets him _good_ and it's worth it seeing him splutter and turn red faced as she proves to him, in fact, that it's not just luck after all.

The point is, they're having fun.

So what if it's a crush, and Karin's chest warms at the sight of his flushed cheeks?

It's just a phase.

Crushes come and go all the time, and she's certain that this will be like any other; he's distracting her for the moment, and then, later, she might remember, and call herself for foolish for feeling this way about him.

Only —

Only sometimes, when his eyes sparkle and his hair is in disarray and Karin's breath catches, she wonders how different things might be if he was just a regular human being or she was a _shinigami_ enjoying a playful snowball fight with her friend.

How different would things have turned out then?


	2. day two, age thirteen

WENDYBIRD CHRONICLES

**II. NIGHTMARE**

* * *

Thirteen, and Karin can't sleep.

Ever since Haru passed away, Karin's been getting recurring dreams. Maybe dream isn't the right word, but then she wouldn't exactly call them nightmares either.

They're something, anyway, and they keep her up at night.

Sometimes, she wants to ask Toushirou about Haru. How they met. How they remained friends over the years without the existence of mobile phones. If they ever —

Karin never lets herself finish that thought.

It's not a crush, Karin knows now. What she feels for Toushirou is so much deeper than that.

And yet, it stings, somehow, whenever people mistake them for dating, whenever Yuzu calls Toushirou her future boyfriend, whenever Ryouta asks what she even sees in him, and that she can do better.

Even though Karin's heart skips a beat and she's quick to deny such things — they're being _ridiculous_, after all — it stings because it doesn't stop her from wanting it to be true all the same.

Even when she tells herself it's impossible. They come from two different worlds. Something would have to give and she doesn't — she doesn't want to _die_ just to be with him, she doesn't want to ask him to give up basically being an immortal being just to be with _her_.

It still stings, nevertheless. For wanting to believe that fate might intervene, like it had for her parents.

There's still time, she supposes. There's always a chance that something might happen.

But what if it doesn't — and Karin grows up, grows tall, grows old?

What happens when people think she's babysitting some kid? When she's out with her son? Her grandson? What happens then?

What if he forgets about her completely?

"_How could I forget you?"_ Toushirou asks over the phone when she gives in and decides to call up late at night and her thoughts have worked her up into a state of panic and her fear of being forgotten is the only thing he can make sense of. _"Come on, Karin."_

"I know," Karin sighs, running a hand through her hair. "I just… what if we fall out of touch and don't speak to each other for years?"

"_Do you think that'll happen?"_

"I don't know," Karin murmurs, feeling small. "Maybe."

No one knows what the future brings, after all.

"_Well, I won't let it,"_ Toushirou tells her, almost crossly. _"That's a promise."_

"Friends forever?" Karin asks, softly, cheered by the thought. The corner of her mouth twitches into a semblance of a smile.

"_Yeah. Friends forever,_" Toushirou confirms, after a pause. _"Now go to sleep, alright?"_

"'kay. Night," Karin yawns, and does as he says. Sleep comes easier after talking to him.

In the morning, when she wakes up and looks at herself in the mirror, she tries to imagine herself older. Her face marked with laughter lines, streaks of grey in her hair, and can't see it at all.

Karin laughs to herself, at how silly she's being.

She has plenty of time, Karin knows. She'll figure something out.


	3. day three, age nineteen

WENDYBIRD CHRONICLES

**III. DRIVE — HALSEY**

* * *

Nineteen, and Karin sinks into a deep depression.

She couldn't figure it out after all, and the worst part is that her feelings for him haven't faded.

Karin is practically an adult now and Toushirou still looks like a child and she doesn't know what to do with the fact that things are changing between them. Even if they remain unspoken.

She's getting older, he remains the same, and the reality is hitting Karin harder than she thought it would.

_You can't fight time_, Haru had said, and Karin wishes that she'd listened, wishes that she hadn't been so convinced that she _could_. Her past self seems so foolish now, and Karin yearns to go back in time and confide in Haru once more, about her fears and dreams.

About what she should do now.

Maybe Haru wouldn't understand either, the way Karin is convinced that no one else does — but at least that would be better than the listlessness she feels, her chest filling with anxiety, and she can't _breathe —_

Nothing helps, except —

"What's going on with you, Kurosaki?"

Karin slams on the brakes _hard_, not expecting to hear the source of her problems' voice, let alone have him appear in the passenger's seat from out of nowhere.

"_What the fu — Toushirou!"_ Karin shrieks, angrily, her heartbeat irrational as she glares at him, shock causing her freeze. She breathes out, and starts the car again. "You scared me."

"Did I now," he says, blasé, not in the least bit remorseful.

"You know I hate it when you do that," Karin mumbles, deciding it's better not to look at him, when she should be focusing on the road ahead at such an hour.

"Do what?"

"Don't be a brat," Karin mutters, pressing her mouth into a thin line, refusing to answer him.

"Do what, Karin?" Toushirou repeats, ignoring her. "Do what?"

Why does he have to be so _annoying?_

"You really expect me to believe you're older than a hundred if you're acting like that?" Karin snaps, temper flaring for a moment before she clamps down on it and keeps her eyes on the road

(Another reason why it could never work out —)

He didn't used to be this petty, she swears.

"I knew your dad before you even born, so yeah," Toushirou shrugs, infuriatingly not even phased by her outburst. He watches her for a moment, before he asks again, softer. "Answer the question, Karin. What's going on?"

"I…" Karin falters, fingers drumming the steering wheel. "I don't know."

Yes she does. It's just that Toushirou is the last person Karin wants to discuss it with.

"Karin."

"Look, can you just let me… drive for a while?" Karin asks, quietly, a note of pleading slipping through. "I know a place we can talk."

"Fine," Toushirou agrees, and Karin releases a breath she didn't know she'd been holding.

So they drive into the night, and even with the company, Karin finds that she's able to relax, enjoying the silence and mysteriousness of a darkly lit Karakura Town. And it's nice, to have Toushirou by her side. She'd forgotten what that was like.

Her mind drifts and she attains the calmness that seems to be only possible in the midnight hour.

They sit in silence, and Karin decides that she's ready to talk, that they were getting close to the place she usually drives to anyway, because she's always liked that particular view at night.

It's always made her feel like she's the only person awake in the world, and part of her basks in that loneliness beneath the stars.

They get out of the car, but Toushirou doesn't say a thing.

He's waiting for her to speak, she realizes belatedly.

"Lately, I've been… wishing I could turn back time," Karin admits, and breaks the silence.

"Karin," Toushirou looks at her, illuminated by moonlight. "You're too young to have regrets. What would you even change, if you had the chance?"

Well, she might have kissed him, for starters.

"Nothing, I guess," Karin says instead, looking away with a sigh. "It's… it's not so much as wanting to turn back time and undo a mistake, really, it's more like… wanting time to stay still, for a single moment. You know?"

She laughs, self-conscious, because she knows how ridiculous that sounds.

Wouldn't it be nice though, for time to stand still and yet stretch on endlessly?

"Why?"

"Because I don't know what to do with my life," Karin confesses, throwing her hands up in the air. "I keep… waiting for a sign, but I'm getting _nothing_, Toushirou. Nothing! And — and I just — I feel _stuck._ I'm going out of my mind and the only thing that helps right now is these midnight drives."

"Is that why you've been pulling away?" Toushirou asks quietly.

Karin stiffens.

"What?"

"Yuzu called me. Said you'd been acting distant for a while," Toushirou tells her, and something shatters inside of her because she didn't know that. Why hadn't Yuzu _talked_ to her? "And, the thing is, Karin, when's the last time we hung out?"

"… a while," Karin says, hoarsely. She can't remember the last time, honestly. When's the last time she even sent him a text?

"Yeah," Toushirou nods. "You remember the promise we made?"

"… friends forever," Karin sighs, recalling as her heart grows heavy, and she folds her arms over her chest, disappointed that she discarded the sentiment so easily. "I'm sorry."

"We're still friends, Karin," Toushirou says, dryly, and somehow that gets a laugh out of her. "That hasn't changed, just because we're drifted apart."

"Yeah, well, it's a two way street," Karin sighs, glancing away. She was so afraid that Toushirou would somehow cut her out of his life, that she hadn't even realized that she had been doing it instead. "I'll do a better job from now on. I swear."

"You know, you can talk to me about anything, right?" Toushirou asks, and Karin hates the way her stomach jumps when he gets too close her, but somehow, they've always been good at gravitating into each other's space. Like they can't help but do it, too drawn to each other to truly stay away. "You used to call me up at night, and we'd talk about nothing for hours on end."

"I did, didn't I?" The corner of her mouth quirks into an almost smile. "Really, this isn't much different than that."

"Truthfully, I… I wouldn't mind doing this again," Toushirou says, and Karin wishes it wasn't so dark. She can't be sure in this dimmed light whether his cheeks have reddened or not. "Driving at night, the aimlessness of it, it's… I think… this has been… surprisingly nice."

"Oh?" Karin raises her eyebrow. "Do you have problems too?"

"Excuse me?"

"I know why _I'm_ awake at three am," Karin says, lightly, and tries to look at him — really look at him, peering into his soul if she has to. "Why are you?"

"I — that's none of your business, Karin!"

"Oh, but I have to tell you what's been bothering me lately?" Karin challenges him, while he splutters, and she can't help but feel a surge of affection towards him all the same. "That's how it is now?"

"No!" Toushirou retorts. "It's just —"

"Next time, huh?" Karin interrupts, smiling fondly at him. It's worth it just to catch him off-guard. "We'll talk about it next time."

"Yeah," Toushirou agrees, almost inaudibly. "Okay then. Next time."

Haru used to say that life had a funny way of working out. It might not be how you expected or even _wanted_ it to work out; but somehow, the pieces would line up and find a way to work.

Somehow, Karin feels like she's found a way to move forward, to breathe a little easier.


	4. day four, age twenty three

WENDYBIRD CHRONICLES

**IV. MODERN**

* * *

Twenty-three, and it's hard to believe that it's been ten years since her brother saved the world.

"Time sure flies," Karin mulls, opening her wardrobe and surveying her clothes. Which one to pick…

"_Feels like only yesterday, right?"_ Toushirou remarks, a smile evident in his voice over the phone. _"It's so easy to forget that time moves differently for you lot."_

Karin stops.

"Us lot?" Karin blinks, temporarily distracted, taken aback by the distinction. "You mean… humans?"

He's never really _talked_ like that before, Karin doesn't think. Not since the early days when they were two strangers getting to know each other. But then again, lately it seems like he's been trying to draw a line between them.

Karin doesn't feel ready to ask him about it just yet, not properly, but she _will_, given time.

"_Yes,"_ Toushirou answers, and Karin can _see_ his grimace, even if he's not in the same room as her. _"But that's the difference between the two realms, I suppose."_

"I suppose so," Karin allows, if only begrudgingly. He's on thin ice, and she's got another question lined up for him anyway. "What does twelve years of our friendship feel like to you?"

She's basically known him half her life now. Actually, she _does_, Karin realizes, startled by the fact that she has known Toushirou for _more_ than half her life.

It's a comforting thought.

Time sure flies.

"Toushirou?" Karin asks again, when he doesn't respond after a minute. She sighs and selects two dresses and lays them out on the bed. Maybe she'll flip a coin to decide which one to wear. "You okay there?"

"_It feels longer than that,"_ Toushirou replies, sounding… troubled. _Maybe_. She can't quite decipher his tone. _"Has it really been only twelve years?"_

"Aw," Karin smiles, warmth spreading through her. "You going soft on me?"

"_Shut up,"_ Toushirou mutters, and Karin stifles the laughter that threatens to come out. She wishes she could see the expression on his face, flushing red after she teased him about his mushy side that he tries so hard to hide.

"It's like that for Ichi-nii and Rukia too, I'm sure," Karin tells him, and recounts the day before, when everyone met up to watch Chad's boxing match. How Keigo goofed off until Tatsuki quite firmly told him to shut up and Mizuiro watched them affectionately playing the moderator. How she and Renji arm-wrestled, and how Yuzu doted on Ichika. And of course, how easily Ichigo and Rukia fell into old patterns. "You'd swear that they've known each other their entire lives too, bickering like that."

It brought back memories, Karin has to admit. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

It's not fair, Karin thinks, a twinge of bitterness, Ichigo is nearly thirty, and Rukia, who was able to pass for fifteen, can also pass for being in her late twenties, and yet it seems like she hasn't aged at all.

Or rather, it's not so much that, but rather that Rukia and Renji both have an ageless quality about them that's impossible to guess how old they are — they could be fifteen, they could be thirty — but Toushirou, somehow seems stuck in perpetual youthfulness, much to Karin's consternation.

She doesn't get it — Ichika is younger than Toushirou, but she's growing as fast as Kazui is. When Kazui is a teenager, will Ichika look a teenager too?

Maybe it's just that _shinigami_ aging is weird, Karin wonders, and she's still looking at Toushirou with rosy tinted glasses, so he looks exactly the same as when they first met.

(She's trying to move past that, though.)

"You should have seen how freaked out Ichika was over Kazui," Karin laughs, running her hands through her hair, pleased with her appearance. She looks better with her hair let down, she's decided. "It was _adorable._ I wish I could have seen them meeting each other for the first time, but the way Ichika told the story was pretty cute."

There was something about the way that Ichika went into great detail about Kazui to Renji and Rukia, flailing and looking back at Kazui as if she couldn't believe her eyes, while he just stood there with the sweetest smile, that reminded Karin so _much_ of Rukia.

Karin tries not to gush over her nephew, at least not as overtly as Yuzu does, but he really does have a habit of stealing people's hearts without meaning to.

Seeing Kazui's gentleness and Ichika's brashness collide had brought a smile to everyone's face.

"You know what they say; I think it's the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

"_Who says that?"_

"You've never watched _Casablanca?"_ Karin gasps, incredulous, and were he here with her right now, she'd put her entire night on hold. "Okay, next time you're here, we're watching that movie. It's _so_ great, okay?"

"_If you say so,"_ Toushirou says, and she can tell he's just humouring her.

"You're going to love it," Karin tells him, full of confidence, and finally decides on which dress she's going to wear.

Red has always been her colour.

"_Can't wait,"_ Toushirou snarks, and Karin _knows_ that he's rolling his eyes at her.

She doesn't mind. He complains about it, but Toushirou enjoys the movies that they watch together, and Karin has a feeling that he'd appreciate the timeless classic shot in black-and-white.

"When are you visiting, anyway?" She asks, posing in the mirror because she can. _Looking good._

It's been a couple of years since their midnight drives. Sometimes Karin finds herself missing them, but these days she's much more comfortable with calling him up randomly and talking aimlessly about anything and everything. And, well, maybe she's becoming an old timer, but she enjoys sleeping or rather: not having an erratic sleeping schedule.

Things have changed for her. Being an aunt to the most precious boy in the world has altered Karin's perspective; she's travelled the world some, gone to university, gotten a job. Little by little, she's figuring things out.

She thinks Haru would be proud of her.

"_In a month or so,"_ Toushirou says. _"I've booked some time off."_

"Looking forward to it," Karin grins, meaning it wholeheartedly.

She's been doing a lot of that, lately. Trying to look to the future and take a step in that direction. She can't lose herself to the past anymore and dream of those halcyon days. As much as Karin treasures them, it's time to take a deep breath and let go; take a deep breath and move on.

The doorbell rings.

"Ah! My date's here!" Karin says, excitedly, turning the phone away to call out to him. "Just a minute! I'll be out in a sec!"

"_D-Date?"_

"Gotta go! Bye!"


	5. day five, age thirty three

WENDYBIRD CHRONICLES

**V. "RISING, SHINING, SCATTERING AND NEVER FADING."**

* * *

Thirty-three, and Karin is finally getting married to the love of her life.

It's just not the person she thought it would be when she was eleven years old.

"I can do this," Karin says out loud, needing to hear her thoughts. She takes a deep breath. Tries again. "I can _do_ this."

It's just pre-wedding jitters.

Every bride gets them.

"Yo, Karin."

Lately, Toushirou's gotten into the habit of appearing by the window, when he knows full well that he can easily appear inside the room.

She's going to jump either way because he _likes_ surprising her, but she still wishes that he wouldn't make sudden drop-ins without giving her some notice in advance.

Then again, Karin's not so sure that knowing would help.

"Toushirou," Karin breathes out, and glowers at him. "You know I hate it when you do that."

"Tch," Toushirou says. "And here I thought I was being considerate."

"_Barely,"_ Karin rolls her eyes, and opens the window to let him in. There are more important things to feel than be mildly annoyed at him. "You could have knocked on the door, you know."

"I know," Toushirou smirks and Karin wonders when he got so insufferable. He might have picked it up from her, a little.

He looks at her, mouth parted, and then clears his throat and looks around.

It's just them in here.

"You look…" Toushirou stops and stares, unexpectedly soft. "How are you feeling?"

"Nervous," Karin admits, somewhat shakily. "I can't believe I'm about to this."

"Having second thoughts?" He asks, curiously, tilting his head to the side. "I've heard that can happen."

"Maybe," Karin murmurs, though she's not quite sure that's it. An idea strikes in her mind, and she snaps her fingers. "Quick! Say something ridiculous!"

"Uh," Toushirou's eyes widen, as he stands still, frozen, and then blurts out — "Run away with me?"

"_What?"_

"Yeah," Toushirou carries on, nodding, suddenly with a newfound enthusiasm for the idea that she almost believes him. He's so swept up in it that she forgets that this was the point, to convince her otherwise, and not enact some girlish fantasy. "_Yeah!_ Come on, Karin! Let's get out of here, just you and me! We can pull a disappearing act and no one will know where we've gone."

"You…" Karin's heart squeezes in her chest, her mouth feels like cotton, as she wishes he could have said it years ago. Things might have been different today if he had. Worse of all, is how tempting it continues to be in present day, even when there's a million reasons why it shouldn't. Losing herself in the moment, she asks. "You're serious? You would do that? For me?"

"Anytime," Toushirou nods, gazing at her intently so that she can't deny the truth to his words. "Every time. Just say the word."

"I love you," Karin says, the words tumbling out of her without a second thought.

She does, she _does_, and always will. Karin knows that she will never be able to love anyone the way she loves him.

"Toushirou, you are my best friend in the entire world."

_But_.

"But," Karin sighs, and takes a step away from him. Blinks rapidly, so her mascara doesn't get ruined. Reality snaps her out of her childish thoughts. "I'm sorry."

It's too late.

She's not eleven years old anymore. She's _thirty three_.

Regardless of how old Toushirou truly is — he still _looks_ like an elementary student. Aging works differently for him, Karin knows, resenting it at first, fighting it over the years, before being able to accept it for what it was.

It meant Karin had to change her heart and come to terms with the fact that these days she looked closer to Rangiku's age than Toushirou's.

"I _can't_."

When Karin thinks about leaving the person who is waiting for her at the altar, there is something deep within her that _refuses_ to even entertain the thought seriously, the desire to see his face as she approaches him at the aisle overwhelming.

Yes, she's nervous, but she's excited too.

Tadashi makes her happy in a way that she never thought possible. He buys her donuts and argues over wrestlers with her, spends late nights watching movies he doesn't even like, but always makes Karin burst into laughter at least once with his commentary, and winds her up with his terrible taste in shirts. And when Karin reminds herself of the years she spent getting to know him, she's filled with a warm calmness that lets her feel that everything will work out alright — and how could she want to be with anyone else now that she's met him?

It's true that she doesn't love Tadashi the same way she loved Toushirou but —

"I'm in love with him."

Karin can't wait to spend the rest of her life with her soon-to-be husband.

"Well," Toushirou says, forced cheer apparent, even if she doesn't look at him. "Now you definitely know that you're making the right decision."

"Yeah," Karin agrees, and breathes out, heart aching all the same. Despite everything that's changed, Toushirou is still incredibly dear to her. She can't bring herself to apologize, though, for making him indulge her selfishness. Instead, Karin takes a deep breath, and holds her head up high. "Yeah, I guess I do."

(Karin will never admit how long it took for her to get over him.)

"How are you feeling now?" Toushirou asks her, quieter.

"Ready," Karin nods, and before she has the chance to change her mind, she acts on pure impulse and steps forward to kiss his cheek. "Thank you."

She doesn't expect Toushirou to pull her into a hug; but Karin lets him, sliding her arms around his frame.

They don't do this.

They've never really been the type of friends who hug each other. They've lent on each other, sure, offering to be a pillar of support when the other was too exhausted to stand on their own. Toushirou has elbowed her when he's particularly annoyed, and Karin has kicked his shins in a moment of frustration. There's even been a moment when Karin has placed her hands on his shoulder as a gesture of comfort.

But she's never tried to kiss him before either, so maybe today is the day when they both begin to understand that things have changed for them, and let go of what could have been, years too late.

He felt so small in her arms, Karin will remember, when she thinks back to this moment. It was almost like she was a mother comforting her child and Karin had wanted nothing more than to protect him, to tell him that it was going to be alright.

But she doesn't say anything, not wanting to let go just yet.

"Karin," Toushirou murmurs softly, his mouth almost grazing her ear. There's something unbearably fragile about this moment, Karin thinks, wishing she could pinpoint why, wishing she could see the expression on his face. "Save me a dance, okay?"

"You got it," Karin promises, nodding as she draws back and it begins to feel as if their embrace had never happened at all, the distance between them growing as Karin walks to the door.

Takes a deep breath, opens it.

Her heart steady, she turns back to Toushirou and extends her other hand, waiting for him to take it.

"Come on," Karin says, smiling, "let's go."


	6. day six, age forty five

WENDYBIRD CHRONICLES

**VI. GHIBLI**

* * *

Forty-five, and Karin is in the midst of a monumental decision.

Disney or Ghibli?

"Is it really that difficult a decision?" Toushirou enquires, digging his hands into his pockets and frowns, like he does when he's wont to find something pointless particularly aggravating. "I've swear you've taken much less time mulling over things that matter more."

He's not wrong.

"I mean, it wouldn't be," Karin argues, barely repressing a sigh. "If Ghibli had done their _own_ version of Peter Pan."

"What?"

"Look, their scenery is _flawless_," Karin says, crossing her arms over her chest, and huffs, annoyed that she never got to see their version of it. "They would have made Neverland look _amazing_, with the — the mermaids and the fairies and the crocodile."

"And you don't think the Disney version holds up?" Toushirou arches his brow.

"It's not my favourite version, no," Karin admits, carefully. "I'm sure Yuuta would like it. But."

But Karin's not so sure she wants to give her eight year old son that movie as a birthday present.

"So, what's it about then?" Toushirou asks instead, when it becomes clear that she's not going to continue that thought, too busy dithering on what DVD to settle on. "This Peter Pan?"

"Oh, um," Karin turns quiet, heat rising her cheeks. Did she never tell him about this one? How obsessed she became with it in her teen years when time felt like an hourglass and more than ever it felt like they were living on borrowed time? She bites her lip, and suppress that thought, answering the question honestly. "It's about a boy who never grew up and a girl who did."

"Karin."

"It's got nothing to do with you and me," Karin is quick to add, laughing self-consciously, and then realizing belated that he hadn't even implied anything like that anyway, and she just made the moment a whole lot more awkward than it needed to be. "Though, you know, if you ever did feel compelled to dress in green, and make it snow in Yuuta's room, and take out to fly for a bit, I'm sure he'd really cherish the memory."

She really can't stop herself from digging this hole, can she?

"I'll… keep that in mind?" Toushirou says, somewhat bemused as he glances back to the cover, eyeing the boy with the roguish grin. "Does that happen in the film?"

"A little, yeah," Karin nods. "It's fairy dust, not snow, and shadows can be sewn into shoes, but…"

"It sounds like a strange movie."

"It is a bit!" Karin freely agrees, grinning. "It kind of makes more sense when you watch it."

It doesn't, but Toushirou doesn't have to know that.

"Then again, you're not anything like Peter Pan, when I think about it," Karin says, mouth moving against her will, because somehow she's desperate for him to understand despite her desire to pick a different movie and discuss the merits of getting it instead. "Peter Pan doesn't _want_ to grow up. As long as he decides to stay in Neverland, he won't."

She could tell him that there's a version where he decides to grow up after all. That the book and play prefer that he doesn't, deciding to continue to visit the descendants of Wendy Darling and take them to Neverland and offer them the chance to stay with him, if they wish it.

It's nothing like the slow path that Toushirou takes.

One day Toushirou _will_ be grown up — she's seen what he looks like as an adult with the help of his _bankai _— but Karin doubts that she'll be around to see him be like that every day.

That's okay, Karin knows. Even if he continues to look like a boy, he's still her friend first and foremost. And isn't that the most important thing, really?

"And what about the girl?" Toushirou asks.

"Oh, Wendy Darling?" Karin blinks, the words faltering for some reason. "Well, she… she grows up. She's tempted not to for a bit, but the point of the story has always been to for her embrace adulthood and learn that she can't stay a child forever."

To live is an awfully big adventure, after all.

"I don't think you were ever tempted to remain a child," Toushirou comments, and Karin considers that.

"Not really, no," Karin mulls. What she wanted — more than anything, much more than the vanity of youth — was to remain his equal.

Growing up never changed that, though she feared it might.

They're a different sort of tragedy from Peter and Wendy, Karin has realized, over the years.

"I think I just liked the idea of a girl and boy from two different worlds meeting at a specific point in time," Karin confesses, tucking her hair behind her ear. So what if they don't end up together?

At least —

At least for a little while, their paths converged.

"Well, if you want _that_ sort of storyline," Toushirou says, glancing at the Ghibli collection. "I'm sure that Ghibli have done something similar."

Karin thinks about it.

"You're right," Karin nods, and all of a sudden, the choice is mind-bogglingly easy, that she wonders how she didn't figure it out right away. "Yuuta will love _Spirited Away."_

A story about a girl and boy meeting for a while before they have to part ways — and best of all, it has dragons.


	7. day seven, age seventy

WENDYBIRD CHRONICLES

**VII. FATE**

* * *

Seventy, and Karin is struggling not to laugh.

"Yes, my grandson _is_ rather adorable, isn't he?" Karin says to the waitress who approached them and started cooing over what a good grandson he is. She reaches out to pinch his cheeks. "_Such_ a _good_ boy."

Toushirou says nothing but he's _fuming _inside.

It's weird to think that once upon a time, this would have been a nightmare, when actually, now that that Karin is actually living it; it's the funniest thing in the world.

As soon as the waitress is out of earshot, Karin starts cackling.

"I am _older_ than you!" Toushirou hisses, red faced and glowering, much to her eternal delight_._ "_I am so much older_ _than you!_"

"Oh, please," Karin smirks. "Who's going to believe a brat like you?"

"Mature, Kurosaki," Toushirou scowls. "Real mature."

(He never did like to use the surname she has now.)

"You should respect your elders, young whippersnapper," Karin says, just because she _can_, fully relishing in the moment. "Haven't I taught you better than that?"

"Hag," Toushirou mutters.

"Ooh, good one," Karin snarks, unfazed. "Never heard that one before."

"I can't wait to escape you in the afterlife," Toushirou grumbles, but there's no real bite to it. Karin knows him far too well to recognise genuine vitriol.

"No way, kiddo," Karin shakes her head, smiling absentmindedly. "You're stuck with me even then."

"Why's that?"

"You'd miss me too much," Karin replies simply, "I bet you'd start looking for me after a month."

"You wish," Toushirou rolls his eyes, scoffing, but there's something sad in his voice regardless. He gazes away for a moment, considering, and Karin lets him be, sipping her tea. It's nice to get out of the house like this, with Toushirou dropping by every once in a while.

They fall into a comfortable, companionable silence.

The sky is blue, the clouds are white and love is in the air.

They're young couple, Karin would guess thirteen years old at most, but they hold hands as they walk by, and Karin cannot help but overhear.

"But you _promised_ that you would buy me some cake!"

"Yeah! But only if you scored _over _seventy!"

"Oh, come on… please? Pretty please?"

"Young love," Karin cannot help but smile at them, and look back at Toushirou. "To be that age again."

"Would you do anything differently?"

"Mm?" There's something about this conversation that rings a bell. Like they've had it before, long ago. She thinks back, furrowing her brow, casting herself back in time, rifling through her memories. And then she finds it, beneath desperate stars and soft summer breezes. "Now that I'm _old enough_ to have regrets, you mean?"

She was nineteen then. It feels like only yesterday. It feels so long ago. What was she even worried about back then?

He flushes.

"I was kind of hoping that you forgot I said that," Toushirou mutters, looking studiously at his empty cup, sheepish.

"Nope," Karin cheerfully tells him, shaking her head. "I got the memory an elephant, you know."

"Sure you do," Toushirou says, flatly, not in the slightest bit convinced.

That's alright. Karin doesn't have to prove herself to him. She doesn't have to tell him that what she wanted back then was for time to stand still — to return to that day when she was eleven years old and enjoying the snowball fight they were having that day and she didn't know any better, didn't know what it meant to fall in love with a _shinigami_, didn't know how much it would hurt — now, she's not so sure that's where she'd want time to stand still and stretch on endlessly.

"Answer the question, Karin," Toushirou says, intrigued despite himself. "What would you change if you could?"

"Let me think."

Back then, she regretted not kissing Toushirou when she had the chance.

But Karin's thought about it since then — what if she _had?_

What if she had, and they decided to date, but their inability to choose one world over another caused a rift between them that they were unable to mend?

How long could the relationship have lasted, with that in mind? A year? Two at most? It would have been over in a blink.

Would Karin have resented him for it? To have known what it was like to date him and then hate the fact that she was getting older while he looked the exact same, year after year?

(Still. _Still._ Even now, as Karin is seventy, she looks at Toushirou and sees him as that elementary student that she met when she was eleven.)

It could have gone a different way. Maybe in one lifetime, they _did_ decide to forgo their world to be with the other, like a romantic fool who thought happily-ever-after could be attained so easily.

In one version, it's Karin who sacrifices her world for love, and studies hard to be a _shinigami_, just to be with Toushirou a little longer. She wouldn't be able to visit the world of the living as much as she hoped. She'd miss her family so much. As much as she enjoys being friends with Renji and Rukia and Ichika, they can only visit a couple of times a year, and that simply isn't _enough._

She'd be miserable with her premature death.

In another version, it's Toushirou who deserts his post, and gets a job in the living realm. He'd turn miserable real fast, having to rebuild his reputation and never feel like he could do enough to be respected by his peers; he might lose the power he had to protect the people he loved.

She can't see him being happy like her father had been.

Maybe she's wrong, though, turned bitter and cynical by old age, and there's a version of them where it works out, and they make the right calls, and they're happy together, whichever world they chose. Maybe there's a version where Karin dies a natural death — in a fire, in a car crash, by a piano from above — and things go from there.

That's not what happened, though. That's just speculation and fantasy. What could have been.

For Karin, who's thought about the alternatives all her life before she got to a point and decided that it's best for her to stop dwelling on the what-ifs and maybe, she prefers the hand she's been dealt.

Even though their relationship never _did_ turn romantic, never reciprocated, Karin likes that her friendship with him always remained solid.

No, Karin muses, reflecting, it was better not to have kissed him after all.

Because then Karin thinks of the life she's lived. The people she's met. Loved. Tadashi. Yuuta. Amue. And her heart can't help but swell for the family that she's formed.

If she had the chance to make time stand still and stretch on endlessly, it would be holding Yuuta in her arms for the first time, Tadashi by her side with tears in his eyes. How sweetly the birds sang, and how brightly the sun shone.

Haru was right: life had a funny way of working out. Karin _likes_ the life she's lived. She's proud of it.

So what if this isn't the life she thought she had when she was a child, just a girl with an idealistic heart? She's changed so much since then. She's become a different person. _That_ Karin, that old Karin, has been lost to the annals of history, and Toushirou remembers her, watched her grow up and become the person she is now.

(Wendy Darling's fate has never been a tragedy. She got her happy ending, after all.)

"Nothing," Karin decides, happy with her answer. "I wouldn't change a thing."

* * *

_fin_


End file.
